Darkening presence~

It's weird... I seem to be able to relate to the darkness easier, rather than the light. When I describe the darkness I seem to be able to express myself more thoroughly in it. When I describe the light, it seems so vague to me.
Is it becoming significant of my growing distance with God? I think it might be a pretty good indicator. My thirst of the bible seems to have died down too. I don't know if it's the right thing or wrong thing. I have done so many wrongs this year that I might not be able to comprehend with the consequences of my mistakes. Although my personality may have hardly changed, I still feel subtle disgressions filling my mind before I take action. My usual moral beliefs would've been God helped me with this etc etc... but now it's more screw this, screw that sort of thing.
When I describe the darkness, I see it as vague. When I describe the light, I see it as unreachable and a sense of not belonging. My love for people seem to be driven by seeing and believing. It was hard for me to believe God truly existed. Although I searched rather hard, I only felt a small presence of holiness beside me. But when I'm out in the open I feel the darkness all around me. Not that it's controlling me, more that it's always there to annoy and bug me. It is through this that I know there must be a counter. That counter must definitely be God, no? But the naivety and ignorance of humans has pushed my beliefs over the edge and made me feel a sense of negativity towards particular doctrines in the church.
Priests and Pastors have conducted in immoral sexual actions. Did you know some of the money you have put into those baskets have ended up in the porn industry? Well not for all churches... but I saw a documentary recently and it pinpointed one particular church which invests in pornography. The sheer hypocrisy shown in doing so has affected my thoughts about the church. The church was supposed to be a body of christ. But if these people have brought such iniquities into that body, then what has it become? A disease.
Thus, is it right to follow such a thing? I find a sense of connection to God when everyone seems to do the right thing. But there is always anger etc etc and breaking of the 10 commandments. I know myself that it is impossible to thoroughly follow these rules, but to break them so many times in that one moment has put me off. At least even if Hillsong uses music to congregate the people, it's scientifically correct that music can influence the person. The church forbidding such a thing shows its conservative efforts to supress what may be a good force showing the greatness of God. But I guess that is for other people to think about. This is just my opinion.
Anyway, enough ranting.

O genki desuka,
Warren