renewal~

I want to be renewed. I want to be my usual self. I want to be me again. I want the rain to wash it all away... The water droplets fall so gracefully from the dark grey clouds of sorrow and grief. Despite where the water comes from, despite where it flows from, where it ends up being is where it counts. For the water to hit my face, as it slowly crawls down my face and soak up my shirt and pants, I feel a slight sensation. For something so dull, so grey, so depressing can come a sense of hope, a sense of belonging and yet loneliness. No matter how much I cry and hope the rain masks my sorrow, I feel happy. As I sit on this fading brown, cold and wet bench, I think to myself, why this all happened. Why did all of this have to happen? Why do I feel this great and heavy feeling in my heart? Why is it that I have to carry this burden with me? But just as the rain begins to cover me with its blanket. I begin to remember... what made me happy before any of this crap happened. If I was angry at my father, it made me remember how hard he's working for me. If I was angry at my mother, I remember how much she gave up for me so that I can be happy. If I was angry at my brother, I remember how much he loves me and will do anything for me. The rain renews me, it helps me realise that there is nothing to be sad about, but to be happy with what I have. It washes the stains away from my skin and clothes so that I can live once again. The feeling is so amazing. it helps me remember why I live on this planet. It helps me realise why I need to survive. It's so that I can bring others with me, to lead those around me. To be their shield as God has been mine all this time. It reminds me that I need to remain strong so that people can depend on me. My love is so great that I have enough for those around me. To strive to achieve me childhood goal of helping 1million people. It doesn't matter that I achieve it really. What truly matters is that my heart is behind my actions, that Jesus is beside me every step of the way. To show a love to those; one that is patient, one that is strong, one that is true, one that is undying - all in His name.