what we've become~

Have we become a nation of people who are unknown to the depths of love? Do we not understand the greater truth in human emotion? What possibly could we do without coming to terms with such sorrows?

I believe in pain, suffering and love. Both different ends of the spectrum. However, for us to understand love, we must understand sacrifice. For the mother, she gave all she had to make sure the son flourishes in all that he does. No matter what, she is there for him. When he takes drugs and overdoses, she is by his side waiting for him to wake up. When he fails to succeed in work, she offers him a home. When he's at his lowest and loses everything, she offers him her shoulder. The pain in her eyes as she looks at her lowly son, is something most people can not understand. The pain that she feels when you are down. You can feel the sorrow which comes from the welling of her eyes. Can you not see the pain? Can you not see how much your mother had to endure for the sake of you? When you alone, are her treasure and her strength to carry on. But you throw it all away for some earthly treasure not worth risking your life for. I remember I dreamed horribly for a few months trying to help you realise what love is. But nothing got through to you. There's nothing else I can do.

Emotional and physical sacrifice are factors which contribute to our own realisation of what love truly is. For God to see his own creation plunder, horde, destroy and kill would be like watching a burning nation turn to ashes before you. Your family, your friends, everyone are in that nation. You look so helpless as you peer into the foreboding fire and flames as buildings fall to their knees and hear the screaming of your brother, or your sister. Tears roll down your face. But you stand up firm and stout. You try to help in every way possible to save these people whom you love. So what do you do? You work one step at a time. You fetch you pail of water and start extinguishing the flames. You pour water on yourself to help ease the burning of your skin as you try to pull people from the rubble and flames. For God, he saw his creation burning. He saw how much pain we were in. He saw how much sadness was in this world. He gave Himself up to save us. It seems stupid, I know. But for people to become truly sensitive towards the fact that creation is supposed to understand Love, we must first understand this kind of sacrifice. For a Christian, Love is God and God is love. This is such a crucial evidence for Human Creation by a superior being, that is God. The fact that humans possess emotions far beyond any other creature and being able to understand depths of love is somewhat interesting. We go on with our lives believing that short term goals (or as we perceive as long-term goals) can contribute to our happiness. Yes, it does for a while, until you realise that there is no basis of being accepted and loved. Accepted by status and not by love.

When will we understand this love given to us? I believe the only way, is to actually feel the pain in forms unimaginable, that is how God teaches us. Through suffering can we only understand what God has given to us. Those who are non-Christian and are reading this, you may seem a little provoked are probably aren't even reading to this point. But I think as humans, we all endure hardships in life whether we may be Christian, Aethiest, Muslim or Buddhist. We all want to have an understanding of who we are, where we come from and why we are here. In the end we all struggle with this very fact. Civil society and human law have subdivided us into separate nations, caused wars and pain. Is it not then evident that being human is destructive? Is it not then evident that the good in this world is non-existent? Yes, you may say, I'm such a happy person blah blah blah. But when you hit the epitome of sadness, you always turn to someone. Someone you cry to. Someone you hit and blame for your misdeeds. When you feel the sense of loneliness given to humans, only then will you understand that human interactions are nothing when love is not there. The love you seek is not in this world. The undying love which you believe is existent in the opposite sex is not existent. They will let you down from time to time, yet you still find the strength to persevere and try to find it again. We still can't see this God. But this is why I believe in God. You must understand what it feels like to be in pain of this world to understand love. And that love comes from somewhere else not on this world.

I love you all so deeply and I wish that you'll join me in creating something more special in this world. I know I haven't been the best person. I have hurt people. I have made my family cry in anger at a rebellious son. But I want to change. And Slowly will I do so. It'll be hard for me, but pray for me and rebuke me please.

the world breaking down on me~

The world we live in is not set in stone. The things we do, the consequences which shape us are not set in stone. The friends we make and families are not set in stone. So of course they will soon crumble down. but it's what you do to make up for the loss that makes you who you are. You can be the same old person you were before, or better than before, or slowly rebuild. The possibilities are endless. When all else breaks loose, fight for those that need a shield. And never break down on them.

you, yourself and her~

You're sitting at your white desk, filled with stacks of unorganised paper, mini scissors which you bought with your ex-ex girlfriend, headphones for your computer, various pens and miscellaneous. You stare at a bright baby blue piece of paper - bought from morning glory, cause you always thought the stuff they sold was rather cute and sentimental. This blue piece of paper lay blank as you look around your room and then out your window. You finally see her leave her house. She was dressed rather nicely, a large beige self-knit scarf, huge white beanie, brown coat, short denim skirt and black knee high boots. As she walks outside of the house, unlocks the gate, walk out then close the gate behind her, you feel an urge. You start furiously writing, your favourite song comes on (presumably some sort of k-pop, but you aren't really listening anyway and don't actually understand), your heart starts beating to the beat of the drums. What was once empty was suddenly filled with words. And lots of it.
You've never done this before - giving a letter to a person. Mainly because you're pretty old to do something like this and you're always so enclosed about your feelings. But you've been living opposite this girl for years. In fact, you went to the same school, caught the same buses to and fro, and same classes for P.E since grade 8. Now that you're in uni you finally mustered up the courage to send this person a letter, rather than confront them face-to-face, because you really aren't THAT courageous at all.
You look up, look out the window and realise she walks towards your house. You jump up, surprised, thinking she may be at the front door. You grab your letter, which is now scrunched by your rather cautious handling and flock to the front door. Sweating, heavy breathing, heart pounding - you open the door. No one. You see her walking off. You let out a sigh... Like you always do when you talk to a person you liked.
The mail man comes and you walk out to greet him. He seemed to be in a hurry and just shoves the letters into the mailbox. you become rather angry and frustrated about his treatment towards you, especially after being hopelessly let down - which really is pretty much your fault. You grab the letter box key, next to the Asian pot plant your mother grew right beside the large white, glass paneled door of your house. The light shines greatly on your face, but you squint your eyes, hold out your hand to block the annoyance and 'gracefully' walk towards the mailbox.
'Mail mail mail', you think to yourself. Bank, mum, dad, dad, dad, work, uni... You walk in then chuck the mail onto the table. The mail slides along the waxed table and out pops a little note. You go over to have a look at what it is. It read:
Hey you,
I haven't been able to muster up the courage after all these years to come talk to you. So I thought a letter would be the best way to go about it. We've been living on the same street, going to the same school, catching the same buses, but we have never ever talked. Perhaps we should grab dinner sometime? I feel pretty stupid about this, but yeah. Just wondering!
your neighbour

Fresh~

What was once will never be. Something hard to grasp. But I get it. It's a shot worth missing. My heart no longer drops. My heart no longer falls on every word you said. Although my mind is still playing tricks on me with nostalgia, I know I'm happier without. But to be fresh, and a new outlook on life, I'm certain I can find another kindred spirit fit. Life is getting better, I can feel it. Thank God~

just close your eyes~

You're special, you're beautiful, you're everything to me. I can't take you. I can't be the one you love. I refuse to let you because I care about you. My life is too tainted for the innocence of your life. You'll always have a place in my heart. Because I know you are someone who is destined for greatness in the eyes of God. You will shine greater than the likes of me. And like that, I will be there for you when you're down, when you're up, when you're crying, when you're angry, frustrated, everything. I will be there for you, so you can close your eyes and rest. Those sleepless nights, that pain you hold, all of it, despite not putting your worries on Jesus, I can take it from you. I know it's painful, but I'd rather see myself in pain than to see your smile fade from your face. So please, just close your eyes and dream about the future.

My shadow's voice~

Just waiting on that voice to tell me where I am, who I am, what I am and why I am. as I stroll along this deep and dark alley way to get back home, I catch glimpses of light which allows my shadow to play games and try to catch up to me. I try running faster but my shadow still picks on me, teasing me and playing games with me. Here I thought I was alone on my way back home. But you keep following me, pestering me, mocking me, provoking me, dividing and preventing me from my world. But I know, sometime and somewhere a voice better than your distant and muffled voice will pick me up again and lead me home again. Never will I go into the opposite direction with my shadow. I will not let it lead me. But no matter how much I try to stop it, erase it from my memory and hate it... I'm unable to breathe properly. Why am I unable to be happy with what lies ahead, rather than moping and lounging around about the past. The scar has been cut too deep - it still hasn't recovered yet. The blood gushes as I try to apply pressure to it - hands soaked with my own blood. It suffocates me, I can't breathe - it laughs. I scorn at it, I loathe it, I despise it - yet I love it. Some would call me sadistic - but I say it's unconditional love. Taboo. This shadow has no ears, only an echo and a shadowy figure to accompany it. Better off dead. Nothing beats having something destroy you slowly and eat you up at time goes by - aching.

rocketeer~

I want to fly, fly away with someone beside me. No one wants to be the lonely astronaut that orbits in space. I can show you a world that only I know about. I can show you something you've never ever seen before. I can show you colours which you couldn't have imagined ever. But I'm scared. Scared that it's not meant to be. Scared that I'll ruin your world by bringing you to mine. I won't take those chances. So I guess I'll have to become the one and only rocketeer for just a little while longer.