The ease of sin~

It's so easy to sin, it makes life that much more of a guilty pleasure to live through. The things we do, despite knowing that it is wrong leads to the massive guilt trip that humans have to endure to pleasure themselves through lust, revenge, anger etc.

The ease of using sin to escape the essence of good and to travel along the paths of evil and pleasure. The road you seek is windy and rough. The road you embark with all that belongs to you will be lost in time as you travel. You leave things behind and carry new baggage at every obstacle.

The bags we carry now are who we are now. The particles that made up your skin are now new and that's why we feel nostalgia towards the past. the fresh blood, skin and memories replace that of the old.

I fear my anger, the hatred I have. My greed for power and money has a close grip on me which enables my ease to use various forms of sin to gain. The ego, the pride and the power.

Such is the bitter sweet conformities of sinful natures.

Last Angel~

The humans of the world, separated by race, pride and hatred ; fight for the last ounces of resources left on these burnt lands, crisped with the blood of fallen ancestors. Is such a treasure so worth it that the trade of lives and vengeful spirits must be the price to pay? Of course to those who have not experienced pain for centuries can not feel the emotions of revenge and hatred can not comprehend the actions of the warlords of each nation. A world of political segregation and empirical prowess is enough to create an 'immortal' aura for those who possess too much power for the feeble minded. The humans slay all who block furthering of one's kingdom, thus, the evil which precedes the land of Earth increases with slaying of angels who seek to protect the humans from self damnation.

As centuries pass, kingdoms have fallen, resources are bare and minimal, the grounds are covered in blood and the surviving nations grow weak. The angels too have suffered; many of the humans have slain the angels who walk in peace to protect, but are slain for their bounty/riches. Eternal pain stricken the land which the humans walk and the race of humans begins to die out and grow poor. Those who were rich from greed, now looting and plundering innocent villages. This world has degenerated into a world of anarchy. No one is to be trusted, no one is to be merciful - only those who are ruthless and with the intent to kill will survive outside the gates of any kingdom. The land between nations are governed as 'no man's land' and are filled with the exiled, the traitors, the murderers, the thieves and witches.

All but one stands, all but one has remained to see the eternal damnation for humans.The last angel to survive in this world, the one who has yet to fall seeks to find peace for the humans. The last one standing who has experienced the spite of humans, the greed, the lust, the revenge and above all, the pain of living in a squandered and horded land. The last angel wore a glorious silky, white gown which fit firmly on its body. It's face was a pale white with no blemish, no pain. it's golden hair ran down past its breasts and glowed during the dark. It's stature, its glory, just sat on the highest point of Earth, watching the endless battles of humans; pondering. It had no facial expression, it had no remorse, no emotions, just a goal - that is to drive the humans to peace and to unite against the evils reigning over the land.

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This is kind of the main idea of a massive piece I am going to write during my holidays. I hope I can get a hundred pages or so done for it. Let me know if you guys like it or not.

You~

It's crazy, I feel like these days... I can wake up and smile at the world. Smile at the face of darkness, because I know that I'm stronger than before. I'm no longer than lonesome astronaut. I found someone to show my world to. I feel so at home. I feel like I can finally return after orbiting around earth for so long.

I can finally watch that waterfront
I can finally watch the sunrise and set
I can finally sleep knowing that I'm wanted
I can finally wake up knowing that I have someone to share the day with
I can finally smile without faking any ounce of it

I honestly can't describe how I feel. It's probably why I haven't been able to write for the past couple of weeks. I haven't felt this way for ages. It feels like I've finally got something going for me.

Let me show you something new in this world which you've never experienced before. Let me show you what it's like to live like me. Let me show you me.

Fisherman's Horizon~

I'm still on this boat, waiting for the sun to rise. It's pitch black and the moon is beginning to settle into the horizon. The ripples of the dark waters resonate with the pure white of the moon. The smell of morning became pungent. The coldness of winter stung my nostrils as I began to inhale. With a slow exhale, I play with the 'gas' coming out of my mouth, making an endless stream of the gaseous cloud to polute the air.
I'm still sitting on my fold-out chair. The same one I use every month to come out and watch the horizon. I sit enviously waiting for it. The sun starts to peek its way out of the horizon and the moon still battling to maintain dominance in the sky. The battle for light and darkness becomes a struggling challenge for control. To see light prevail over darkness, is to find comfort in knowing that during times of pitch black tunnels, the dim light at the end of the tunnel is what can motivate us to keep running towards the light - hoping that it'll become stronger one day.
I'm still waiting on the day on every last day of the month, that a fisherman's horizon will appear to me. A horizon that shows the beauty of the sea, the schools of fish, the pods of whales and the sea breeze in my hair. That moment, where the sun peaks from under the horizon to fill up the world in light. To bask in the first flares of the sun's magnificent rays is like feeling refreshed after a hot shower after many days of being out in the wilderness. I can see it. I can see the light funnel itself into my world.  It's moments like these in which we understand how glorious light is; it fills us with a sense of joy to roam the world before the awaited dark enigma.
But, I'm still on this boat, and darkness befalls me, waiting once again for that light.

~ Thus, the Fisherman's Horizon. ~

not here~

Suffering is what makes us know we are human, and that we need something/someone to rely on when it comes to us being at our lowest. But it's when you realise that when you rely on people or a materialistic security, we begin to dig deeper into the void. When you realise that all this hard work you put in to find a way out of the hole only dug you deeper. When you realise that people are there to let you down, and it most likely was a person who caused you to feel disappointed, unloved, hated, lonely and angry. It is then that you realise, that when all else fails on you, it is you yourself who dug that hole for yourself. What then can we do to fill the void? To me, the void is unquenchable. The thirst of being accepted on a daily basis, the thirst of wanting to be loved, the thirst of seeking respect from others is just an excuse for us to encourage an egotistic escapade to falsify our image. Our image as people is heavily based upon civil society and popular culture - for the morals and ethics we adopt today mold humans into believing what is right and what is wrong. For you to become popular, you must do certain things to obtain it. For you to become 'cool,' you have to complete a certain amount of steps. But really, the conforming to the society of today, is to conform to the devil. Why is it that we have to change ourselves for the sake of others, why is it that we have to change ourselves so that others may accept us. Is it not like Adam and Eve? They chose to eat from the tree of knowledge. It was eve who wanted to conform to the morals of the devil. It was then that the influence of Eve towards Adam, that chose the fate of humanity - to dwell among the morals and ethics set by God, but influenced by the devil. Created in God's image, but tainted with the curse of being taunted by Satan as we walk along our paths on this world. I can safely say, that there is more to life than just this. There is more to life than just suffering and conformity. For me, there is something more special outside this world - that is God. Why be conform to the momentary happiness of this world, when what you truly seek is not here.

Dreams~

Waiting so enviously until that day. I'm almost jealous that all these other people can sleep so soundly in their beds in the deep darkness which envelopes the world. Perhaps it's because I don't have a person who I call father. It's just me, my little brother and my mother and her boyfriend. I can't sleep at night - I look endlessly into the depths of space, searching for reason, searching for what may seem like a glimmer of hope. There are so many stars out there for me to reach up to, but all are so far far away. As I lay here on my bed, I peer outside my window, which I leave open since I'm a bit scared of the dark, and just stare. When I eventually do fall asleep, there is nothing to dream about, just a momentary pitch black. My father told me this before his passing;
"In this world, there is no guarantee that you'll live. There is no guarantee that you'll find what you're looking for in this lifetime. There is no control over your life. But I can tell you one way to grasp it for just a short while and feel like the world is yours. Dreams, son, dreams. The day when you dream, is the day your centre becomes your life for just that brief moment. Let me tell you my dreams I've been having lately, I dreamt of your mother, I dreamt of you and your brother. I held all of you in my arms as my house became engulfed in flames. Yet, as I look at it now... although the house was destroyed and smoke filled the skies, we were on the hill near our house. All I could think about was that everything is built on the 'truths' of this world and what we think. In just that brief moment of a dream, I had everything I needed. I didn't care about the house at all. But as I awoke from my sleep, and to find you here next to me, I can't help but feel somewhat sorry for you. Sorry that your old man can't be with you much longer. Sorry that you'll have to endure the hardships of this life without guidance from me. Sorry that you won't be able to learn the fundamental aspects of what it is to truly live in this world.
Son, just remember, dreams are something special, they help you realise where your heart lies and how you view the world. Until the day you can dream, son..."
My father died shortly after that. I was thirteen years of age at the time. It was the first time I ever felt sadness in the form of a person passing away. I didn't hit me at first, but when I went downstairs and looked at the kitchen table where my father used to drink his coffee and read his newspaper, I remembered that he wasn't going to be there anymore. I remembered. I understood...
Father, you told me until the day I can dream, my centre will be revealed. Why is that after all these years, my centre has always been you and finding you in my dreams, hoping that I can share a father-son moment with you. Hoping that you can teach me the ways of what it's like to be growing up with a fatherly figure. I can't dream, father, I can't dream. Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll see you, and when I awake, it'll just be a vague memory of you. Dreams scare me.

True Sadness~

To have felt true sadness is to have felt the depths of existence - that is living on an empty world of deceit and lies. Through human morals and ethics are we forged to become part of civil society. More so, becoming one with the world of idolatry and pleasures is to become one with the devil. The pact made since Adam and Eve. The fate of man kind was sealed to this world, where we shall endure hardships, sorrow, love, goodness, pain and above all, death. What's wonderful is that despite whichever end of the spectrum we experience, we are made to experience the other end. To feel loved by your significant other, to feel that this person will never let you down. Someone who was been there for all your life. Someone who you knew would always be at your side no matter what. When they leave you. When they die. You feel pain. The pain which lets you know how awful this world is. But before this all happened, did you not feel that nothing could go wrong and that you had a purpose in life? What does this mean to our existence as human beings?

To me, this means that for there to be an existence of good and bad in this world, we are only human. We are subject to change and self-actualisation through such events to help construct who we are as we become adults. For us to experience true sadness, is to understand who we are and why we are here. To keep fighting on? To fall into the same trap in which I call love - but may possibly find someone who will last? Don't know. Perhaps it'll be jealousy which continues within these veins so that I struggle on in life. Interesting, isn't it? To be feeling a sense of dignity and a vainglorious egotistic pride within myself leads me to the reason why I type so enthusiastically for the internet world - to let others know the troubles of a young adult conceited in his own values.

Seemingly so, despite all these troubles given unto me. I find strength. But still feel the aching depths of loneliness as I continue to float around in space, seeking something special to finally allow me to reach home. People are counting on me. People are waiting for me. People show me their love, their respect, their enthusiasm and their care, but I still negate it. Why? It could be possible that I seek recognition from a fellow significant other, or more so whom who shall not be named (Voldemort you scheming fool). Yeah, perhaps I just want an apology from my ex. Perhaps the only reason why I started believing in myself was so that you'd recognise me and finally come to your senses and say a simple sorry to me. Yeah, you may be thinking this guy is an idiot, but I guess this is where words of affirmation come into place.

However, I feel like I've reached a new found inspiration for life, other than God. To become stronger in body and in soul to protect those close to me. I will not stand down when it comes to my fellow brothers and sisters. To have a benevolent heart is to understand love. To understand love is to understand pain. It's weird, but I can feel when friends are angry, sad, depressed etc just by reading their texts. Just by seeing what they're doing. Or even perhaps with them doing nothing at all and I'm not in the same vicinity as them. Perhaps it may just be a case of reading human emotions and body language, but I believe there is a depth to it all which can't be seen by the naked eye. I guess this is why at times, people find it easier to open up to me, because I share a pain that we both understand. Although in different situations, we can feel a connection in something so great and yet so painful. But it is through this that we can understand the pain of God. The pain that God had to endure, but His love stretched out to us with His Son Jesus. A story, A fact, An event that happened all that time ago. Human, yet not Human at the same time.

We're all here together, let's make this world a better place. For we are those who share the same pain that is living in a broken world, and that we can save those of whom we love and care.

what we've become~

Have we become a nation of people who are unknown to the depths of love? Do we not understand the greater truth in human emotion? What possibly could we do without coming to terms with such sorrows?

I believe in pain, suffering and love. Both different ends of the spectrum. However, for us to understand love, we must understand sacrifice. For the mother, she gave all she had to make sure the son flourishes in all that he does. No matter what, she is there for him. When he takes drugs and overdoses, she is by his side waiting for him to wake up. When he fails to succeed in work, she offers him a home. When he's at his lowest and loses everything, she offers him her shoulder. The pain in her eyes as she looks at her lowly son, is something most people can not understand. The pain that she feels when you are down. You can feel the sorrow which comes from the welling of her eyes. Can you not see the pain? Can you not see how much your mother had to endure for the sake of you? When you alone, are her treasure and her strength to carry on. But you throw it all away for some earthly treasure not worth risking your life for. I remember I dreamed horribly for a few months trying to help you realise what love is. But nothing got through to you. There's nothing else I can do.

Emotional and physical sacrifice are factors which contribute to our own realisation of what love truly is. For God to see his own creation plunder, horde, destroy and kill would be like watching a burning nation turn to ashes before you. Your family, your friends, everyone are in that nation. You look so helpless as you peer into the foreboding fire and flames as buildings fall to their knees and hear the screaming of your brother, or your sister. Tears roll down your face. But you stand up firm and stout. You try to help in every way possible to save these people whom you love. So what do you do? You work one step at a time. You fetch you pail of water and start extinguishing the flames. You pour water on yourself to help ease the burning of your skin as you try to pull people from the rubble and flames. For God, he saw his creation burning. He saw how much pain we were in. He saw how much sadness was in this world. He gave Himself up to save us. It seems stupid, I know. But for people to become truly sensitive towards the fact that creation is supposed to understand Love, we must first understand this kind of sacrifice. For a Christian, Love is God and God is love. This is such a crucial evidence for Human Creation by a superior being, that is God. The fact that humans possess emotions far beyond any other creature and being able to understand depths of love is somewhat interesting. We go on with our lives believing that short term goals (or as we perceive as long-term goals) can contribute to our happiness. Yes, it does for a while, until you realise that there is no basis of being accepted and loved. Accepted by status and not by love.

When will we understand this love given to us? I believe the only way, is to actually feel the pain in forms unimaginable, that is how God teaches us. Through suffering can we only understand what God has given to us. Those who are non-Christian and are reading this, you may seem a little provoked are probably aren't even reading to this point. But I think as humans, we all endure hardships in life whether we may be Christian, Aethiest, Muslim or Buddhist. We all want to have an understanding of who we are, where we come from and why we are here. In the end we all struggle with this very fact. Civil society and human law have subdivided us into separate nations, caused wars and pain. Is it not then evident that being human is destructive? Is it not then evident that the good in this world is non-existent? Yes, you may say, I'm such a happy person blah blah blah. But when you hit the epitome of sadness, you always turn to someone. Someone you cry to. Someone you hit and blame for your misdeeds. When you feel the sense of loneliness given to humans, only then will you understand that human interactions are nothing when love is not there. The love you seek is not in this world. The undying love which you believe is existent in the opposite sex is not existent. They will let you down from time to time, yet you still find the strength to persevere and try to find it again. We still can't see this God. But this is why I believe in God. You must understand what it feels like to be in pain of this world to understand love. And that love comes from somewhere else not on this world.

I love you all so deeply and I wish that you'll join me in creating something more special in this world. I know I haven't been the best person. I have hurt people. I have made my family cry in anger at a rebellious son. But I want to change. And Slowly will I do so. It'll be hard for me, but pray for me and rebuke me please.

the world breaking down on me~

The world we live in is not set in stone. The things we do, the consequences which shape us are not set in stone. The friends we make and families are not set in stone. So of course they will soon crumble down. but it's what you do to make up for the loss that makes you who you are. You can be the same old person you were before, or better than before, or slowly rebuild. The possibilities are endless. When all else breaks loose, fight for those that need a shield. And never break down on them.

you, yourself and her~

You're sitting at your white desk, filled with stacks of unorganised paper, mini scissors which you bought with your ex-ex girlfriend, headphones for your computer, various pens and miscellaneous. You stare at a bright baby blue piece of paper - bought from morning glory, cause you always thought the stuff they sold was rather cute and sentimental. This blue piece of paper lay blank as you look around your room and then out your window. You finally see her leave her house. She was dressed rather nicely, a large beige self-knit scarf, huge white beanie, brown coat, short denim skirt and black knee high boots. As she walks outside of the house, unlocks the gate, walk out then close the gate behind her, you feel an urge. You start furiously writing, your favourite song comes on (presumably some sort of k-pop, but you aren't really listening anyway and don't actually understand), your heart starts beating to the beat of the drums. What was once empty was suddenly filled with words. And lots of it.
You've never done this before - giving a letter to a person. Mainly because you're pretty old to do something like this and you're always so enclosed about your feelings. But you've been living opposite this girl for years. In fact, you went to the same school, caught the same buses to and fro, and same classes for P.E since grade 8. Now that you're in uni you finally mustered up the courage to send this person a letter, rather than confront them face-to-face, because you really aren't THAT courageous at all.
You look up, look out the window and realise she walks towards your house. You jump up, surprised, thinking she may be at the front door. You grab your letter, which is now scrunched by your rather cautious handling and flock to the front door. Sweating, heavy breathing, heart pounding - you open the door. No one. You see her walking off. You let out a sigh... Like you always do when you talk to a person you liked.
The mail man comes and you walk out to greet him. He seemed to be in a hurry and just shoves the letters into the mailbox. you become rather angry and frustrated about his treatment towards you, especially after being hopelessly let down - which really is pretty much your fault. You grab the letter box key, next to the Asian pot plant your mother grew right beside the large white, glass paneled door of your house. The light shines greatly on your face, but you squint your eyes, hold out your hand to block the annoyance and 'gracefully' walk towards the mailbox.
'Mail mail mail', you think to yourself. Bank, mum, dad, dad, dad, work, uni... You walk in then chuck the mail onto the table. The mail slides along the waxed table and out pops a little note. You go over to have a look at what it is. It read:
Hey you,
I haven't been able to muster up the courage after all these years to come talk to you. So I thought a letter would be the best way to go about it. We've been living on the same street, going to the same school, catching the same buses, but we have never ever talked. Perhaps we should grab dinner sometime? I feel pretty stupid about this, but yeah. Just wondering!
your neighbour

Fresh~

What was once will never be. Something hard to grasp. But I get it. It's a shot worth missing. My heart no longer drops. My heart no longer falls on every word you said. Although my mind is still playing tricks on me with nostalgia, I know I'm happier without. But to be fresh, and a new outlook on life, I'm certain I can find another kindred spirit fit. Life is getting better, I can feel it. Thank God~

just close your eyes~

You're special, you're beautiful, you're everything to me. I can't take you. I can't be the one you love. I refuse to let you because I care about you. My life is too tainted for the innocence of your life. You'll always have a place in my heart. Because I know you are someone who is destined for greatness in the eyes of God. You will shine greater than the likes of me. And like that, I will be there for you when you're down, when you're up, when you're crying, when you're angry, frustrated, everything. I will be there for you, so you can close your eyes and rest. Those sleepless nights, that pain you hold, all of it, despite not putting your worries on Jesus, I can take it from you. I know it's painful, but I'd rather see myself in pain than to see your smile fade from your face. So please, just close your eyes and dream about the future.

My shadow's voice~

Just waiting on that voice to tell me where I am, who I am, what I am and why I am. as I stroll along this deep and dark alley way to get back home, I catch glimpses of light which allows my shadow to play games and try to catch up to me. I try running faster but my shadow still picks on me, teasing me and playing games with me. Here I thought I was alone on my way back home. But you keep following me, pestering me, mocking me, provoking me, dividing and preventing me from my world. But I know, sometime and somewhere a voice better than your distant and muffled voice will pick me up again and lead me home again. Never will I go into the opposite direction with my shadow. I will not let it lead me. But no matter how much I try to stop it, erase it from my memory and hate it... I'm unable to breathe properly. Why am I unable to be happy with what lies ahead, rather than moping and lounging around about the past. The scar has been cut too deep - it still hasn't recovered yet. The blood gushes as I try to apply pressure to it - hands soaked with my own blood. It suffocates me, I can't breathe - it laughs. I scorn at it, I loathe it, I despise it - yet I love it. Some would call me sadistic - but I say it's unconditional love. Taboo. This shadow has no ears, only an echo and a shadowy figure to accompany it. Better off dead. Nothing beats having something destroy you slowly and eat you up at time goes by - aching.

rocketeer~

I want to fly, fly away with someone beside me. No one wants to be the lonely astronaut that orbits in space. I can show you a world that only I know about. I can show you something you've never ever seen before. I can show you colours which you couldn't have imagined ever. But I'm scared. Scared that it's not meant to be. Scared that I'll ruin your world by bringing you to mine. I won't take those chances. So I guess I'll have to become the one and only rocketeer for just a little while longer.

Caged in~

You can't leave. You struggle to get out. You try bending the bars but the steel rods holding you in are just too tough for you. What lies outside for you is the freedom you've been seeking for all this time. Who is your master? You say God, but it's also the one who has the key to your cage. The cage grows smaller and smaller everyday, restraining what little movement you already have. No longer are you her son, she says. No longer does she have a son who used to be. No matter how much you tell her, you need this space and experience to get over from the past, she doesn't listen. No matter how much you try to hold back for her to let her know how much you love her, doesn't get to her at all. What is one supposed to do, when they want something out of you, but you're already in their cage? How does one make that person happy? So who has your key? Who is the one truly stopping you from happiness? Is it your 'master,' or is it your mythological cage created by yourself?

Thank you~

I just want to say thank you to all my friends out there who helped me through this rough patch. I promise you, my posts will be like how they used to be. I didn't realise people read my blog! I just realised there was a view count bar there haha. Sorry to concern you all and sorry to stumble a lot of you in your walks with Christ. I didn't mean for any of that to happen. But yeah, I just want to say thank you for caring for me. There's a lot I've been taking for granted with God has given me during these past few months. Thanks guys, I really appreciate your kindness and love which has gotten me through so much. Love you all!! I also hope exam periods are going well for you all!

renewal~

I want to be renewed. I want to be my usual self. I want to be me again. I want the rain to wash it all away... The water droplets fall so gracefully from the dark grey clouds of sorrow and grief. Despite where the water comes from, despite where it flows from, where it ends up being is where it counts. For the water to hit my face, as it slowly crawls down my face and soak up my shirt and pants, I feel a slight sensation. For something so dull, so grey, so depressing can come a sense of hope, a sense of belonging and yet loneliness. No matter how much I cry and hope the rain masks my sorrow, I feel happy. As I sit on this fading brown, cold and wet bench, I think to myself, why this all happened. Why did all of this have to happen? Why do I feel this great and heavy feeling in my heart? Why is it that I have to carry this burden with me? But just as the rain begins to cover me with its blanket. I begin to remember... what made me happy before any of this crap happened. If I was angry at my father, it made me remember how hard he's working for me. If I was angry at my mother, I remember how much she gave up for me so that I can be happy. If I was angry at my brother, I remember how much he loves me and will do anything for me. The rain renews me, it helps me realise that there is nothing to be sad about, but to be happy with what I have. It washes the stains away from my skin and clothes so that I can live once again. The feeling is so amazing. it helps me remember why I live on this planet. It helps me realise why I need to survive. It's so that I can bring others with me, to lead those around me. To be their shield as God has been mine all this time. It reminds me that I need to remain strong so that people can depend on me. My love is so great that I have enough for those around me. To strive to achieve me childhood goal of helping 1million people. It doesn't matter that I achieve it really. What truly matters is that my heart is behind my actions, that Jesus is beside me every step of the way. To show a love to those; one that is patient, one that is strong, one that is true, one that is undying - all in His name.

what do I want????~

I see you standing there, all alone. I see you waiting there. I see you in my arms. But why won't I take it? I'm scared. I'm scared of ruining it all. I'm scared of breaking both our hearts. I'm scared of committing and giving it all away again. It's perhaps too soon for me. But everyone is telling me I should go for it. I should take your hand and we should walk together on this planet for whatever path God takes us on. I'm sorry... I'm not sure if I'm the type of guy for you right now. I need my time to get over some things independently. I don't want to rely on others, part from God. I don't want to fall into that pit again. I'm sorry... We'll have to wait a little while longer. Besides I'm too messed up in the head and in my life, I don't want to drag you into something which may stumble you. I don't want to stumble you, because I know deep down inside, I have something horrible. I have so many horrible things to bear with and I don't want it to stain you too. I have already lost one important person in my life and I don't want to lose another til I rectify myself. I just can't do that to you, nor anyone else. I have to remove these stains somehow. Time will only tell. I want to be by myself for now, so I'm sorry. I don't want to limit you, nor me to a relationship. Live life with Jesus and just Him for a little longer. Don't wait for me. *sigh* I'm so stupid. I just need to sort out my life first. I need to get this semester over and done with... I can't deal with anything else to do with my heart. I really can't...

slow dance~

Not sure, just wondering... can I offer you this slow dance? It's a dance that not many couples can experience these days. But I'd love to have one with you. I won't be an idiot and conform to this society's values any longer. Nice and slow.

to fill the void~

I still feel the void of being unwanted, unloved and lonely. I stopped waiting for you a while ago. I thought time apart would bring you closer to me. But it proved to be the opposite. I know you don't want to see me anymore. It breaks my heart even more that I can't even have you as a friend. Even if you may never look to me again, I'll always be there to pick you up when you fall. I will always be there. I know you probably don't bother to read my blog anymore, but I can't tell you otherwise, because I hope you know and remember the person I was towards you. I'm sorry that it turned out this way. I honestly am. But I suppose you were right, we were just not meant to be. I hope you're happy wherever you are. You're always in my prayers. As for my void, I met some of the greatest people in my life. I've met a person who I think will change my life completely. I think this person will have such a great influence upon my life and I hope we can be great friends in the times to come. For this I thank you, you helped me realise how big the world is. How my love should be spent. I know you know that I was hurting, but it's getting better :) you don't need to worry about feeling useless in helping me feel better. I'm independent. I'm fine. I'm strong. I wish we can meet one day and start from the beginning. Until then, I wish you all the best.